At the One Year Mark
Alas, all has gone wrong. Why didn't I see the signs?
After my previous post in June, things started to unravel a bit. It started with some fighting as I guess it always does and by the time the holidays rolled around it spiraled out of control. Like Humpty Dumpty, I fear that all the king's horses and all the king's men will not be able to put this together again.
The first sign of weakness was perhaps when I asked Ali to try to keep her van clean. Apparently, that triggered her as she thought I was being too controlling. She sees her van as her sanctuary of sorts.
5/24/2024
I also was VERY impressed with how you cleaned out your van. It showed me that you can do it. I just want to know that on balance, you will continue to do it more times than not, especially when you get to the point of having good places to put your stuff so that you don't feel like you're living out of your van. I realize this may take time.
We had talked about doing the hot tub as well as doing a hike later that afternoon, but you got tired and wanted to sleep. I was disappointed that this meant that neither the hot tub nor the hike would happen. I was tired too (I think my 8 1/2 hours of sleep that night attests to that), but I didn't really want to sleep all afternoon. We haven't hiked in a few weeks, and I think hiking is good for both of us. However, I felt like I needed to let you sleep and bow to your wishes. I put your needs before mine.
Then I got the idea that I could still go myself while the sun was still up. You were just sleeping anyway, and I was bored. I thought you could leave when you awoke, closing up the house as if it was as much your home as mine. But I was also disappointed that I'd be hiking alone. I think you thought I was angry. I tried to quell your concern as best I could, but in a way I just wanted to get out for some exercise and to think (more on that below). I wasn't angry as per se, but I was feeling something that I wanted to explore. So I left.
My initial thoughts were that I've been trying too hard. Loving too much. I checked my feelings for you, and they are still powerfully there. But it seemed like I was losing myself in you. Deferring to your needs and forgetting my own, or putting my needs aside. That's why I said I need to regroup, rethink. I realize this is ironic because I've often felt you're being too accommodating to me and have mentioned that.
I've been continuing to think about this. I need your help learning how to deal with this. It stems from when I asked you to keep your van clean. I shouldn't have made it a requirement to keep it clean for a week, but it's important that such things can be sustained, not just temporarily addressed. You were so saddened by that, I saw it in your eyes. I thought you were thinking that I was being bossy like Ken or Eddie. You spoke of them being so demanding, putting you down, and that you were losing yourself. I tried hard to assure and comfort you, and again I felt like I was losing myself. Later, we talked, and I said that I didn't think my request was that unreasonable. You had mentioned that when you went, home, you felt like we broke up and you were very sad. The lesson I got out of that is that I should not be too demanding, or I will hurt you dearly, and you will think less of me.
I started thinking about this common dynamic in my life that I've never figured out a solution to. Basically, I want something done or a behavior and even if the other person agrees they want to do it too, often it doesn't get done, it gets forgotten and not addressed. Sometimes it's addressed temporarily, but then things go back to being neglected.
For example, spending some time with me to learn how to organize your contact list, email folders, bookmarks, etc. on your laptop computer. Since you wanted sleep that afternoon, I feared that those tasks would again not be done this weekend. If I said, "You said we'd do that this weekend so let's do it now" I'd be seen as too demanding and hurt you again. I felt compelled to defer to your wishes. I constantly struggle with this - desires for such actions get misconstrued as being too demanding. Please help me understand how I can better handle conflicts such as this.
I've been wanting you to take home your laptop to get more familiar with it and maybe have fun with. Yet, the laptop has never left my house. Also, the smart screen - I bought it so that you would use it for navigation, listening to things and voice texting. Yet I don't think that you often use it for that. I know you appreciate the gestures I've done thinking of you, purchasing them and helping to set them up. But appreciating gestures is not enough for me. I want you to get real value from them by using them. Instead, I feel like I shouldn't have got them in the first place because I've only created expectations that you like to use the technology.
Given the above scenarios, I feel there is only 1 of 3 choices I could take 1) just do it myself, 2) drop it and forget about it or 3) try to persuade you to act. #1 doesn't seem like a good nor fair choice. And #2 seems way too avoidant to me.
I need help with #3, how can I persuade you to act? Help me understand how you'd like me to be persuasive and not pushy. Or under what cases should I drop it? I'm not exactly sure where the line between those two are. Can you help me understand this? There are some things you can do, like not agree to it to start with. Definitely don't bring it up again like "we'll do it this weekend" if you don't really want to do it. You shouldn't agree to it just to make me happy. I would love to have your help and insight as to how I can cope with such a dilemma.
I know myself, when I'm faced with such choices that do not appear to have an answer, I tend to leave the situation, usually to think about it, hence me going off alone on the hike.
I've been listening to that Fight Right book some more, and they talk about fights that have solutions and those that are perpetual. Most are the latter. This appears to be a perpetual problem for me. They spoke of agenda, persuasion and compromise. I will try to outline here.
Agenda
My agenda is to identify, track and work on issues that we feel we could do better at, individually as well as a couple. I don't mean only you have things to do. I would like to see excitement about the improvements and celebration of goals accomplished. I would like to identify those things we can and cannot do right now and those which need to be done later. I want the tasks to be balanced. I want us to be cooperative and to work together on such things. I think we work pretty good together. Let's capitalize on that.
Persuasion
Here, I need help. I worry about crossing the line from trying to be persuasive to being too demanding. I want to learn what are effective ways that you are comfortable being persuaded, what works for you. I will try to answer that same question to for me.
I think the things I'd like you to accomplish have clear benefits. I hope you agree, however I fear you may just be being agreeable. I hope, over time, these things will become second nature, and you will feel much more in control of your life. Or maybe you just prefer it your way. If so, then I need to know.
Compromise
I'm not sure about how to compromise at this point. I think we really need to talk it out. I need to understand if my guesses above are where you're at in this before I can understand how compromise may look.
Fight Right also talked about getting to the underlying issues. I fear that you'll see me as being too demanding, and I worry that you'll be avoidant and shut down. That's a start I guess, but are there other deep, underlying emotions and fears lurking here?
Conclusion
I must say that you are not only the best darn kisser on the whole planet, but you are perhaps the best woman I've ever met who has an eye for and a desire to study relationships and participate in ways to make them better. I want to be the best man on the other end and do the same.
Allison's response to this follows. Reading this now it's interesting to contrast how apologetic my letter above was, how much I was asking nicely to understand the dynamic and for help in making it better, and how much that is lacking in Allison's response. Again, another clue:
6/8/2024
Hi Andrew,
I went through this recent letter you wrote me as your “thought dump” Number One. I read this the morning of the Hello Betty’s gig and reviewed it just now.
I noticed there are 21 (including some repeats, of what the Fight Right book and You Tube videos call “complaints”….and the Fight Right book calls “kitchen sinking.”
The recent phone call I had with you during a period of time, but the right book refers to as “Flooding.”
During my Flooded brain period, due to the incoming texts with what I saw as more complaints coming in….and trying to concentrate with brain congested from this cold…I was overwhelmed. You said “ I don’t want your apologies. I want to know what to do!” Ok….2 things….
1- I see you want “just the facts, ma’am”…. So I’ll tell it like it is
2. when I was “flooded”….. I could not problem solve…I could not tell you what you should do …. I was trying hard to help my own psyche survive……
According to science, there’s no way we can function with our high brain since our hormones are in full gear. Fighter flight is triggered, and I couldn’t solve problems or tell you what my goals are as I was being asked… Question on that one as I think of it… I’m curious as to why you ask me what my goals are in these periods of my distress …. At times …like it feels like the conversation turned into an employee performance review.
In essence, I don’t want it to be an employer /employee dynamic, similar to what I feel when I’m bandmate of a romantic partner. It’s not the romantic partner thing that bothered me while being in the band, but a pattern developed with this hierarchy thing that was linked to recent outbursts and unhappiness.. And I intend to break that pattern. like you say ….the definition of insanity……….
Tried to give you a call last night to clarify what you meant by “maybe we shouldn’t do this”…. you meant us being at band together, but you could’ve met something else… You could’ve meant like we shouldn’t do this conversation about this over the phone… To clarify I wanted to talk with you but you weren’t available.
I thought you meant being in the band together and I agreed maybe we shouldn’t ….due to some band dynamics in my recent past.
To problem-solve this….I make the suggestion that Carolyn DesPres be the vocalist for the band. She wants to be in a band and was in the running for lead singer of “The Groove.” (The one at Jacked Up Brewery tonight.). She told me they are gonna stick with the singer they have now, so she might enjoy discussing that with you.
I would like to keep my boyfriend, Andrew, as my boyfriend…..Now….that is topic one and my boundary for the 80’s band.
Love,
Allison
Next was the failed attempt to try to start Mixtape, an 80s band, in which I envisioned Ali being the keyboardist and lead singer. I thought she'd really shine. But it was clear that she did not learn the material that well and when I told her that it didn't seem like she was prepared, even after I tried to help point her to videos of the keyboard parts, etc. she took that badly and decided she didn't want to "repeat patterns" of being in a band with her boyfriend. I guess I get that but why didn't she just tell me when I suggested that we start the band together? Repeating patterns becomes a theme.
In my response to Allison I requested that since she was opting out of the band, she should announce it. I also tried to explain how I didn't think I was being critical in a mean way:
6/8/2024
I would like you to text the Mixtape group and explain why you are quitting the band. Tonight Animal and Elena at Jacked Up Brewery were gushing about you saying "Oh Ali would kill this song or that song". You need to explain to them why you're quitting. They deserve to hear it from you.
I would love to know what your definition of a complaint is. Especially which "complaints" are allowed and which are taboo.
I will not be in a relationship that I feel I'm required to walk on eggshells. I need to state my needs and desires without the fear of destroying you or retribution from you because my criticism is taken as invalid, wrong and shouldn't be said. I do not believe I'm being critical in a vile way. For example, not being prepared for Mixtape rehearsals was founded, truthful and delivered without being harsh or judgmental. I didn't say stuff like, "When are you going to learn those songs? It's been taking forever!" or "You're always unprepared for such things", or "You don't practice enough". You may imagine it that way, but that was not what was said. I merely pointed out that you were not prepared. And I also offered my assistance in many ways like sitting down with you, going over them, pointing you (and others) to my website that conveniently had the words, chords and music, telling/showing you the chords like I did for Fantasy and pointing you to instructional videos for the songs. I can only wish that somebody would "complain" to me this "badly". God, I would actually love that!
If I cannot criticize at all nor express when I'm dissatisfied with something, then I'm out. I cannot be in a relationship where I'm required to always treat everything like it's hunky-dory at all times. That's irrational, and it just doesn't work for me. Just ask my daughter.
It seems to me that you are suffering from a bout of insecurity. I want a woman who is secure in her being, nature and manner. I don't think that's too much to ask. I realize we all have bouts of insecurity and other problems that we need help with. If we cannot expect help from the partner we care the most about, what's the point?
When I said "maybe we shouldn't do this" I was talking about but the band. One unique thing about our relationship that I was really looking forward to was that we were both musicians. The thought of us playing music together enticed me. You have a lovely voice and sense of music, and I would still love to make music with you. However, I guess that dream just died. And I am saddened to think that it is no longer an option.
I fear that I'm just your rebound relationship, soon to be dumped (or fought away - why didn't I see this), and as such I'm trying to protect myself from getting hurt, but I really don't know how. So I sit home alone, wondering why this is all blowing up right now, seemingly over the innocent statement of fact of being unprepared. If it's really such that I cannot say "You were not prepared" when, let's face it, you weren't, I'm not sure how a relationship between us can progress.
Sorry to sound harsh, I think such things are better discussed in person... Wondering if/when that might happen...
In yet another attempt at repair, of which I have yet to see from Allison, I wrote the following:
6/11/2024
I didn't ask for space. Based on your statements to me, I imagined that you were overwhelmed, flooded, and had taken on too much. I felt you needed space from me because my attempts to help did not seem welcomed. As the week was coming up and you would be working most nights, I felt I'd have to wait to the weekend before we could properly address this. IOW what I wanted was connection, assurance, explanation and resolution but what I got was space. Space given that was not asked for or demonstrated by actions and words such as the above, appears as apathy to me. Can you understand why I felt that way? Please help me to better understand your needs and how I can best meet them. How can we communicate this better? Let's discuss, in depth, in person
I am truly sorry for any stress I may have caused you lately. Please accept my apology and help me to understand what else you need me to know and do for you so that you accept my apology fully.
Since your cold had worsened I thought that late night talks (after your work) were probably not gonna happen. I understand the need to take care of yourself. But while you may be Nurse Allison, I'm Dr DeFaria! And I'd like the opportunity to bring you chicken soup and to care for you (cause I do care for you). I know you didn't want to infect me but I wondered if I had a bad cold and told you to stay away so that I didn't to infect you, would you be OK with that or would you want to "nurse" me. You might honor my wishes but I think you'd still like to care for me because you care for me, right? So try to understand my feelings in that light. Mistake on my part - I didn't say I wanted to care for you as Dr DeFaria. I should have.
I wondered how the weekend would go with your commitments to Muse and that recital thing... I planned to go and support you. I wondered if you would call in sick to Muse like you "called in sick" for me. I understand you went and did your due diligence WRT Muse and those infectious kids who probably infected you in the first place, as well as the other adults around there. But for me, well "we can't see Andy because we might infect him" now sounded more like an excuse. I felt less important. And I admit that's is not a good way to think but it is what I felt. Can you understand why I felt that way? It was not rational and yes I have flaws too. Let's discuss, in depth, in person.
When you couldn't make it to Jacked Up Brewery I was saddened, but I figured I'd go anyway since Animal and Elena were going but had to sit there through their gushing about you (Oh Ali would kill that song!), knowing full well you were about to quit. I just didn't want to get into all that. So I grinned and bore it. All I could think of was you - was your cold getting better? When will we talk? I miss her! Should I reach out to her? Or does she still want space? Am I really about to enter into a weekend where we are at odds and she will be absent? Beginning of "The Lost Weekend from Hell".
Sunday you were giving me space but I didn't see it that way. I thought you were merely overwhelmed, sick and not wanting to talk to me. I text you saying I was "very scared" about the state of our relationship. You offered some consolation but you are usually much more complementary and engaging with me. What I desperately longed to hear was something like "Don't be scared, we're in this together - I love you". Again, this is my insecurities talking - a piling on myself a bunch of negatives that I just imagined. I'm sorry.
New thought: When you feel the need to be alone, when you feel flooded like you did, could you make an effort really let me know that you still love me and that you'll be back and not to worry? That would do wonders for me. An indication of how long it might take would be fabulous!
I then attempted to justify my position to you. I think the justification had merit and I hope we can bring this into a discussion soon about these issues. Let's discuss, in depth, in person.
I do feel I was really trying hard to gently complain instead of criticize, as that video said, it was about a specific incident at a specific time about a specific thing and not an overall character judgement. It was a fact delivered with no malice intended. But what I failed to recognize is that it was also a trigger for you. A trigger of past bad experiences with Eddie and perhaps Ken too. I'd like to learn how to make you feel comfortable in distinguishing my behavior (a complaint) with previous relationships criticism and to call me out when my behavior crosses the line from a complaint to a criticism. Let's discuss, in depth, in person.
I'd like to feel comfortable to be able to push you to achieve the good things I know you have in you as well as help you with all the insecurities we all have and want you to do the same for me. I believe a good relationship includes the ability to voice not only our desires but our complaints when agreed upon goals are not met so that improvement can be had. That said, I think the operative phrase is "agreed upon goals". How do we identify and agree upon them? Let's discuss, in depth, in person.
I want you to always know in your heart that I am on your team and want the best for you. Let's discuss, in depth, in person
Saying that I don't want to communicate with you this week is part what that Fight Right book says is a cooling off period (though they seem to state it in terms of minutes of cool down period not days), and part "I'll show her what apathy looks like!" which I fully admit is the shitty committee in my head. I have written many unsent "emails" like this and have re-written them many, many times (In fact, I'm editing it yet again right now before I send). It's all me journaling for myself working my thoughts and feelings on the paper of my choice (In this case an email message). Another reason to not communicate is to "think before I act" and to clarify what I really mean and what I should say. I think I've put my foot in my mouth enough times lately so I write... wait... review and write again. Trust me, it's much better than me just blurting out stuff without organizing my thoughts.
I'm sorry if my pulling back from you made you feel unloved and that I was merely being apathetic back to you and attempting to punish you. I'm sorry I didn't do what I asked you to do for me above so I will do that now - I do love you. I do still care for you very much and I will be back, do not worry - I'm not going anywhere except with you - that is if you'll still have me.
I got your texts tonight about giving me space, not flooding together, and trying to embrace Relationships 101 with you and that you love me. Those thoughts are so great to hear at this time. After writing this last night I woke up much happier today.
OK so why haven't I immediately sent this message? Well again, I need to think it over, revise, simplify and check my thoughts, words and feelings. Properly expressing your true feelings in words takes a lot of effort for me. Luckily you're worth it!\
And I'd like to apologize in advance if I attacked you in this email, I tried hard to voice my feelings in "I language" but I'm not always that good with it. I'd also like to apologize for being so long winded. I don't know if you like such long winded things. It takes a LOT more effort to say what you mean in fewer words. But I always fear I might be misunderstood and so I try to explain everything more fully. Alas, that also increases the chance I'll say something wrong, hence the advanced apology.
To which Allison accepted the apology:
6/11/2024
Andrew, apology accepted- but I owe you more of a thank -you. Speaking of space—- thank you for giving me the space to grow.
I will reply more to this excellent “thought record” you delivered to me. I absolutely love the details- the event- the thought- how it made you feel- etc.
That’s CBT. You did it for yourself (and me thank you.)! Cognitive behavioral therapy. I can respond within the letter to the various points and it’s a great outline for a discussion Friday night in person in depth.
I never received any reply to my "excellent thought record":
6/24/2024
All I have received was below, so that's all I have to go by. We've never discussed these in depth, so I can only assume these are not important to you. They are important to me. I say this from a perspective that this may be important to you.
What I haven't seen to this point is that Allison, while very loving with me and seemingly caring, has seldom opened up to me, exposed her vulnerabilities, or shared her fears and dreams. I am emotional and sensitive and I have cried with Allison about my fears and I have been vulnerable with her. I remember mentioning to her that she never cries for me. It's not like I want her to cry nor am I demanding that she cries for me, but I don't seem the same emotion, the same passion from her side. There were two occasions where she opened up a bit, and got a little teary-eyed. Both times were when we were lying in bed. And both times it was about her past relationships, how they failed, and how she had been forced to leave and recover on her own. The foreshadows of a fearful avoidant attachment style. Something I knew nothing about.
9/14/2024
Today I watched Couples Therapy S01E07 and there was a session between Elaine & Desean which I think kind of explains my feeling from Desean's viewpoint. The session starts at 16:30. It's on the Plex server. I really hope you will watch it and take in mind the following.
Here are the connections I felt between their session and you and me:
- Earlier in the series, Elaine had remarked that the father of her kid used to literally punch her in the face and later say he was sorry and that he loved her.
- Desean, who ironically sleeps in on the weekends, went to one of his employee's family member's funeral early on the weekend. Elaine was angry because she felt less important.
- Later, Elaine mentions that Desean actions was like a punch in the face.
- The therapist sees this as equating something that Desean has done, relatively benignly, to her ex punching her in the face. IOW she's projecting her past onto this innocent man.
- And like Desean, I'm feeling that what I'm giving you is not enough, not of value, my love is not enough, or perhaps it's too much and smothering you.
- I think Elaine's fear that she does not matter is roughly the equivalent to your fear that I will throw you out if you decide to move in.
The analogy is not 100%, no analogy is, but I hope this help you understand where I'm coming from. I believe your past relationship breakups and trauma with being made to find new living arrangements is equivalent to Elaine's being punched in the face and that is keeping you from committing to me more fully, even to cause you to recoil when I asked for more affection - something I would think people truly in love would be eager to please. It is your punch in the face that you are perhaps unconsciously attributing to me. I feel helpless and powerless here. I've tried to help you understand this, but in the end it's only you who can work through this. I feel I'm in a vulnerable and compromised position because I care for you so much, and that perhaps to protect myself I need to pull back. I don't think this is good, and I don't know if it will work. It's hard as hell.
I hope you can work through this, but I feel that since this has happened to you numerous times and recently, this will not be fixed overnight. You have not given me any indication of your desire to overcome this, although I know you desire it, you haven't even actually said "I really want to get over this and be able to be with you without these fears". Nor have you given me any timeline of how long this will take. Will it be a few sessions with a therapist? 6 months of hard work? A year? Will you work with a therapist and come to the realization that I'm not for you? I don't know. Only you can know better than I and you're not discussing it with me. This makes me feel very much out of the loop, sidelined.
When you say to me that you do not want to enthusiastically fulfill my request to be more loving with me, when you say you're not sure about moving in when you had previously seemed pretty excited about the prospect, I feel like I'm losing the love you used to have for me and fear greatly that it is in the process of going away totally. I naturally want to conserve and step back but knowing the difficulty you seem to have with my request for more love, I don't see how this love I fear is lost will come back.
Maybe you can see to it to open up yourself more and discuss these issues in depth and hopefully come to some resolution. I look forward to that day.
Meantime, I've come to the realization that I need to know if you believe you cannot get over these fears and share in my commitment to be with you, to share a vision of our future together as a couple and to again feel eager to please and be loving with me, so I can feel comfortable going back to me fully loving you again. Because if you are doubting any of that, then I do need to continue to distance myself from this relationship (note I didn't say end the relationship, just make it more casual). But if you agree and can commit, then distancing myself it just plain stupid.
I need you to make me feel safe to bring my concerns to you. I need you to consider them and I need you to act upon my requests or to tell me if you disagree with them, and you will not be acting upon them. I need to feel safe enough to love you intensely, that you and I are on the same page, that we share a vision of where we are going with this, and that we are working to achieve our shared goals. I can understand your hesitancy, I have my own concerns. But we need to both discuss them, and in order to do that, we need to feel safe enough discussing them with each other. I need to feel safe to be vulnerable with you, and you need to feel safe to be vulnerable with me. We both need to feel safe enough so that we don't avoid being vulnerable when we have an issue that is concerning us. We need to feel confident that if we expose ourselves to the other person with our desires, goals, concerns, fears, etc. that we will be heard, respected, validated, considered, and that positive action will result that will satisfy the desire, goal, concern or fear that the other person is bringing up, and if not, that at least we will continue to try. If we cannot provide that environment for each other than inevitably the conversation will stop happening and the resentment will build, which can cause the end of any relationship.
The issue of trust - I don't think you trust me WRT living together.
I don't trust that you love me enough. After years of being alone, I find it amazing that anybody could find me attractive and desirable at all. I feel I need to be the best, most romantic and caring boyfriend I can be, or you will leave. The beginning of that sentence is fine - the problem is after the word "or".
9/14/2024
I'm still thinking about our discussion last night. A lot of information and feelings were said, and I'm trying to comb though it and think of action items or things to remember or try next time. The following is just a dump or brainstorming - I think you call them thought records.
I see two big issues and perhaps a bunch of side issues. The two big ones are you're balking when I requested more intimacy/playfulness, and the other one was about moving in together and sharing that goal. I see the latter as a longer term issue for which you are going to see Carmen about. That doesn't mean I'm out of the loop WRT that issue, but I am somewhat limited in my ability to participate. I'm open to any ideas and thoughts you might have about how I can participate and help. I will probably try to offer some ideas on that later in this email.
The first issue I tried to look at more closely. It is a miscommunication for sure, and I did consider my statement of "you know you could do that too" as benign and/or playful, yet it triggered you to the point where you stopped participating really in the conversation and felt attacked. I asked myself what could we do to prevent the fallout that followed.
As for myself, a key point you made was that I could have asked more politely with more "I" statements, for the affection I was seeking. Being honest here, the day after, I thought to myself that I did know that this may be a touchy subject and could be taken by you that I was complaining or saying "you're not good enough" or that "I'm doing more than you". My tact was to try to make it playful by saying "You know you can do this too" but quite frankly I was a little bit embarrassed, thinking that I'm being vulnerable and coming off as needy, so I tried to be playful. Obviously that failed, I was not animated enough or playful enough in my intent and delivery that it triggered you. I'm sorry I didn't do that better. I'm sorry I didn't think to try an "I" statement instead of a playful one. But honestly, an "I" statement WRT this topic, to me sounded even more needy, more vulnerable, less manly and quite frankly more demanding as in "here are my needs, and I'd really like that you meet them" implying if you don't than I will really not like you as much. This I need to overcome. You have always accepted me even through the various vulnerable things like my ED issues, unemployment stuff, etc. You never throw me under the bus on those, yet it's still a very scary thing for me. Please bear with me - I endeavor to do better!
On your role I thought that if you could perhaps recognize you've slipped into this "mode", could you stop me and say something along the lines of "I'm flooded/overwhelmed and can we take a break and come back in XX minutes (or tomorrow, this weekend, etc.)". Or if you could say such things as "when you said <x> it reminded me of <y> and I need to process that" or "I feel attacked" or something along those lines. I realize you may not be able to identify and classify your feeling at that moment. But hopefully you can identify that you are in that mode, for whatever reason, and guide me to knowing we need a break and (very important to me) we will get back to this by <x>.
While that would be great, even that feels unfair to me. I thought, "Hey, I can tell by her physical appearance and reaction that the wheels in her little head are spinning, and perhaps we need a break. She's seems to have shutdown and is not participating or listening at this moment, so to continue to push this issue is fruitless". Perhaps we can have a safe word that says "Hey, I'm in this mindset, and we need to break for a while". It could be just that - "Hey I need a break" or the word could be "squirrel" or whatever. Something to identify that "We are here. We are in a similar space to where we were at the other day".
I think at that time we should acknowledge, verbally, to both parties that we agree X is occurring, and we agree to come back to this issue (perhaps identify the issue - put a pin in it) at such and such time. And I think we should hug/kiss/tell each other we are still in love and this is just an issue that we will address later when cooler heads can prevail.
As for the other issue, common path going forward/moving in. This will take longer, and hopefully with Carmen's help we can make progress there too. I ask that you keep me in the loop WRT your progress and thoughts. This is a big thing for you, and it's a big thing for me. I was thinking today that I've only lived with 2 women, one was Olga, which was a 9-month period of hell, and the other was Maryanne, which was about 2 years. I'm not well practiced in this area.
I can only think to advise you that I'm not Ken or Eddie or the other men that were in your life. You need to judge me for me, not them. And you need to tell me when I'm misbehaving and making you see me as one of them. It's a bad company to be in, it's something you don't like, and it's something I wish to change, but I need to be made aware of when I am misbehaving and how I'm misbehaving.
When I asked you why you were afraid that I would tell you to leave after moving in with me, I thought it was a powerful insight that you answered that it could be you wanting to leave rather than you being afraid of me asking you to leave. That is so spot on - it takes two to tango. Yet all the fears, worries, thoughts I had been solely focused on "How can I get her to not judge me like her other relationships where she was told to leave" not "How can I make myself the kind of man that she wouldn't want to leave?".
I only want 3 things from this issue, which are assurance that you share the goal of a long term relationship with me that will veer towards a live in relationship in a reasonable amount of time rather than a situationship. That you are making strides in the goal to understand your concerns and fears and communicating to me the progress that you are making. These concerns and fears can be you being fearful that I'll ask you to leave, as well as you being fearful that you will want to leave yourself.
Finally, some sort of sign that you have crossed whatever line you think you need to cross to feel ready to make that leap. Face it, you'll never be 100% sure - nor will I. But there is a point where you can say to yourself (and me), I'm willing to move forward now.
December 2024
- Over the many months, Ali has been nesting in my house. We spend most weekends together. First it was a toothbrush, now she has most of her stuff in my garage, 1/2 of my closet, bought new mattress and the like. I don't mind that much because I feel I want her to move in. But she's still on the fence with that decision. She has had many relationships before, moved in quickly and eventually been asked to leave. It is an anxiety for her that she said she's actively trying to resolve with her therapist. I asked her to keep me up to date on that, but she hasn't mentioned anything. Her nesting continues as she has gotten an organizer for my closet for her stuff, etc. I feel like she's giving me mixed signals of "I want to live with you" while not mentioned anything nor committing. How can I handle this?
Action item: Discuss with Allison about where she's at WRT to moving in. What progress is she making, resolving her anxiety with moving in with me? Ask her why she's nesting but still refusing to fully nest (move in). Agree to when she may have this issue resolved. Set a deadline (after May trip). Consider charging $200-300 as a storage fee for the garage (closer to $300 to maintain other stuff in the house). Also consider perhaps limiting the number of sleep overnights.
- I've become increasingly more concerned about the fact the as I have not been able to find employment. It's been a long time and I have very little bites. This is an anxiety for me. I am planning a big trip to Rome and Santorini for us next May. Then my transmission goes out on my car, various medical bills crop up and other bills. I've been drawing from my savings a lot with no real end in site, and now my unemployment has ended. Ali is trying to be helpful and suggests things like renting out my 2nd bedroom, but when I think about it, I just want Ali to move in. She's already agreed that if she moves in, she will contribute proportionally, but I feel bad asking her, knowing that part of my motivation is financial. I don't want to become that couple where the woman starts hating the man because he can't find work.
No great answer for this except to say that rather than a boarder moving in, which is interrupting to me and her, and needs to be evicted should she decide to move in, I would rather her move in and effectively be that border.
- I've been a little concerned in my relationship with Allison that since I have various medical issues related to my ED, and it's difficult for me to perform. Ally also seems to say that she had medical issues in the past with making love, and I see a little bit of the passion fading away. I mean, I feel lots of love, but in a sexual area I don't feel desire from her, and it's hard for me to express my desire. Recently I've been thinking that perhaps sexual relations and passion is just not Ali's thing and if I were ever to resolve my ED issues I will face disappointment. I don't know how to best discuss this with Allison.
Need to discuss this openly. She seems to lack passion and desire for sex. Some of that may be to protect my fragile condition but it seems that in general she can take it or leave it. IOW it's not that important to her. For example, it's important for me to know she's satisfied and achieves orgasm. I continue to try to stimulate her until she has an orgasm. I tell her and often prompt her to do it. She seems generally unconcerned with me not having an orgasm, which makes me feel a little less wanted. While it's difficult for me to perform, it's added difficulty to learn, she seems to be able to take it or leave it. She's had many, several year relationships. How was sex like in those for her? If I asked her partner, what would they say?
- There was an episode where I was supposed to go to a practice session with a band I've been trying to form called Mixtape. It's a 80s dance band project that initially I had Allison in. Anyway, many times I would go to Blue Suede Crew rehearsals, a band that Allison is in and that I support as a tech guy, sound man, occasional substitute guitarist or just boyfriend that helps her move her equipment. This time, when there was a Mixtape rehearsal on a Sunday, Allison said that she'd like to skip that in favor of arranging a lot of stuff that we recently got from a previous place she lived. I felt undervalued in that I regularly support her, and her band and all of those guys without question and when it came down to supporting me she just opted out. I could, and I did handle it, but I did bring it up as an example of why sometimes I feel anxious as if I'm giving more to the relationship than she is.
When this happens, I have a natural tendency to want to stop to show her how I feel neglected. This is not good.
- Ally was over all week as I took care of her after eye surgery. We had a great week, and I was a little worried about when she would go home. That night before, I had a bad dream, and we had broken up and all kinds of silly things like that. I woke up and realized it was just a dream and nothing was wrong, so I gave Ally a hug and all was well
This was a good episode.
- Here's another one. Recently, a goat named Mr. Jinx that Allison's ex-husband had got attacked by a pit bull. The pit bull did major damage to Mr. Jinx. Allison insists that she has been keeping her ex, Ken, at arms length and I do believe her, but I know she was also close to Mr. Jinx and I wonder where she's at on this. I ask her some questions, but she just says she tries not to get involved.
Then Ken's recently past and he was supposedly rich. Allison tells me there will be sparks flying between the various family members, squabbling about who gets what. And I wonder if Ali is slated for some of that. Again, Allison is playing it like she doesn't want to get involved, but I would think she would.
Later, in Allison's therapy, she announced a breakthrough where she has cut off all communication with Ken, whose father recently passed. She had told me she was keeping at arms length as in the above, but apparently it's been affecting her more than she admitted
Additionally, my ex mother-in-law is on the verge or has passed as she is very old and suffered a stroke. I am no at all involved in my ex's life, her mother, etc. though I once was. So I'm not that close. And yet I struggle worrying about the closeness of Ali with her old family and me with my old family... How can I brush off my being not close to my ex-family and worry about the closeness of Ali and her ex-family?While I'm happy to see she's made this breakthrough and that it's a weight off of her shoulders, I feel the issue about anxiety with moving in has been placed on the back burner. I have heard nothing WRT progress in this area, hence the issues I expressed at the top. Again, agree upon expectations going forward. When does she think she'll have this issue resolved?
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